Gender-Neutral Pronouns are Awesome-

And They are Here to Stay

Unless you are cisgender, "attractive" and dress in a current code, you may have had the experience of having an incorrect pronoun thrown your way. In my formidable years the judgment underpinning pronouns felt exclusive, demanding, and sometimes it made me sick.

I was called "he" more than a few times, it wasn't who I was or what I was going for and it felt like I was failing at being who I was "supposed" to be. Yet attempting to be a more obvious girl felt ridiculous, there was no way I could fit that mold. A gender-neutral pronoun might have fit me safe and snug.

In eighth grade in the nineties, when I threw a kid out from centerfield in a perfect one-hop and the opposing coach said, "he's got a great arm," it was easy to let go. There I was in centerfield with short hair and no curves- the only girl in the league. 

What hurt was when a stranger said it up close. They were always so innocent about it. I remember the old man who worked the corner store where my friend ate hot nachos or corndogs after school. He assumed she brought in her boyfriend and asked her all sweet, "and what would he like?" I wanted to die. Something about the innocence of the guy's presumption, and how I knew that if I corrected him his eyes wouldn't be able to hide disgust, made me shut down and hang my head. 

Then we had a traditional May Dance performance that our P.E. grade depended on. We learned the dances awkwardly over several weeks prior, and lot of old community members attended the performance. It was totally gender specific for the dances and attire. I begrudgingly wore a mandatory dress, but I kind of liked it. I had cool accessories, even makeup and I felt confident going in, but then some started saying, "oh look, she's a girl!" again and again. Clearly, I failed at meeting the criteria of either gender. This was another situation that I replayed- making me feel so outcasted I prayed to die. 

Unfortunately, our language supports identifying and labeling people in an exclusive way, which only divides us. How much pain might have been avoided if we originally just had one pronoun for all? 

Now that I've grown and have a great apathy for fashionable opinion, I can tentatively peer back on those suicidal, confusing, dysphoric times in my puberty with a bittersweet sentiment. On one hand my gut squeezes with pity for that little outsider, but on the other hand I celebrate- Woohoooo I made it! We are all outsiders!

But then I am suddenly drawn back to the present when a teenager, whose life I value more than my own, identified with and prefers "they/them" pronouns. I realize that there are countless teens that are now feeling like they are in a damn pressure cooker, like I did, and they will be lucky to make it out of this decade alive.

Most of my peers and elders are critical and reluctant about accommodating people identifying with "they/them" pronouns. They have a variety of reasons for being opposed, but most of the reasons are shadowed by redundant narrow-minded stubbornness. I am working hard to change, but it is difficult after using "he" and "she" exclusively and definitively. I am now hurting youth with these easy judgments, just as I was hurt.

Our use of assigning a gender to each person is as pervasive as assigning race. "What are you?" a brown skin friend of mine has often been asked, because his skin has that in-between-shade, like gender neutrality, which seems to terrify black and white thinkers. 

"They/them" pronouns used to identify a singular and specific person are here to stay. It is the best language we currently have to support those who have found refuge in this identity. I wish I had the option of gender-neutral pronouns when I was young, and I am proud of those who are part of this evolution. When we value a person and allow them to be safe in their unique identity, they may seek less refuge in suicidal attempts and ideations.

Keep in mind that when meeting a person who identifies with "they/them" pronouns, one cannot assume anything about their sexual orientation or even whether they identify with being gender non-binary. Gender neutral pronouns are simply the result of equality evolved. 

For myself I would love to be referred to by gender neutral pronouns. While I have gotten used to being an acceptable (albeit strange) "she" for decades, recently I was wearing scrubby layers to warm me while skating on a cold day, and some teens said "he's pretty good," before apologizing and giggling about the mix-up. I laughed aloud as I skated off and shouted- "it's all good!" Because it is- the journey, the irony and even the arbitrariness of my gender.

But not everyone is as lucky to have weathered such storms or openly sign off as I can-

Jodi Rawson

they/them, she/her, he/him